For the parents of my teenage clients, I think understanding their kid must feel like trying to read the Rosetta Stone without the knowledge of Greek, Demotic or Hieroglyphics, i.e. frustrating, mysterious and sometimes downright impossible.
Getting rid of parent guilt
Sitting across from me on the sofa with her adolescent daughter, Lydia was tearful and a little overwhelmed. I had not planned to meet with them that day, but I had a cancellation and was able to fit them in. Lydia's daughter Sandy had been in treatment with me for the past few months for an eating disorder. Though she had made great strides, Sandy continued to struggle with stuffing her emotions down with food. Sandy was working out the trauma she had experienced as a victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. Sometimes Sandy acted out, sometimes she numbed out. For her, going numb was easier than letting the pain of her experience live alert inside her.
How To Not Screw Up Your Kid's Body Image - Developing Healthy Eating Habits in Children
With my Houston clients who are coming in to deal with disordered eating, I always do a body image and weight history. This helps us get to the root of what may have caused their disorder. When I asked one of my anorexic clients, Claire, about her earliest memories of her body, she recalls being 10 years old when her mom took her to a weight loss clinic. Claire's mom wanted to lose weight, and felt that Claire could stand to lose a few pounds as well. So, they both went on diets.
Claire commented that this is the first time she realized something was wrong with her body, and that her mom would be happier if she was thin. For her, being thin meant being beautiful, and being accepted. Claire became hyper health conscious. Nine years later, she is at a point in her life where she feels guilty if she even eats something like fruit, because "it has too much sugar." She thinks about food, exercise, and weight obsessively. People who know her would probably describe her as healthy and fit, but the truth is, she is struggling with a debilitating eating disorder.
The really sad thing about Claire's story is that I am sure her mom meant well. She probably felt she was helping her daughter be healthy. But there was something in Claire's perfectionistic personality that made her gravitate towards being extreme about health.
This may sound like a cautionary tale about mistakes parents make, but I really want to focus less on blaming and more on how you can be proactive with your kids to help them develop a healthy relationship with food.
One of the foremost experts on eating and feeding children is Ellyn Satter. Satter is a registered dietitian and family therapist. Her
guidelines for feeding children
are a great place to start. When it comes to feeding your kids, Satter feels that children should choose how much and whether they eat, whereas parents should choose what, when and where they eat. Kids are very intuitive eaters if we allow them to be.
The other thing to remember is that kids are still growing. It may seem like your child is eating so little they might starve or so much they might become obese, but their bodies are changing all the time, and it is important to let them grow into the bodies they are meant to have. Making a big issue about your child's weight, or letting others make a big issue of it, can sometimes lead to kids who don't feel worthy both physically and intellectually. If you are genuinely concerned about their weight, you may want to talk to their pediatrician privately about it. For more specific tips on how to help your kids with food, check out
Parenting is incredibly hard work. It is normal for good parents to ruminate or even feel guilty about their parenting choices. Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to screw up my kid? Please, God, help me not mess this poor child up. No parent can make perfect choices all the time. Instead of dwelling on parenting guilt, reminder yourself that the guilt shows you care deeply about your child. Hopefully this will help you give yourself some grace about your choices, and start focusing on your goals for how you want to parent your child going forward.
Happy Parenting!
If you would like some direction with parenting, or to discuss the stresses that come with parenting, counseling can help.
Contact our Houston counselors today to find out how counseling can help you. If you are struggling and would like help, we have Houston, Texas Counselors who can meet with you. You can contact us 713 - 565 - 0922 or by email at contact@wilsoncounseling.org
This blog is not intended to substitute for professional counseling.
Ways to prevent eating disorders in your child
I am so impressed by the love and devotion of parents who bring their children into my office to help them deal with their eating disorder struggles. It is incredibly painful to watch your child suffer, but these parents try every day to understand their kids, to support them, and to walk with them through the emotional roller coaster of their disorder. There is hope for change for these children, but my hope would be that parents never have to walk down this road in the first place.
How to not screw up your kid's body image
I had a Houston client today talking about his parenting abilities. "When you break it down", he told me, "I am just trying to not f*** up my kids." I appreciate his honesty so much. I think good parents often worry about whether their choices will help or wound their children. My precious six-year-old walked into my room first thing this morning, looked straight at me and asked me if she was skinny. I faltered for a second- taken aback by her question.
Talking to your kids about the Newtown Tragedy
Our nation was rocked by the horrific school shooting in Newtown, Ct. Last Week. 26 people died, 20 of them young children. As a parent of a first grader, this hits particularly close to home for me, but it is still hard to imagine the depth of the grief those Sandy Hook Elementary parents must be feeling now. I had a client who lost a child describe his grief as a tsunami that would drag him so far down he could hardly breathe. The ache in his heart was palpable when he spoke. His body seemed to shrink from the weight of his pain. So, my heart truly goes out to all of those who are suffering and grieving as a result of this terrible tragedy.