What does critical parenting do to children?
Critical parents usually don’t criticize their children because they want to hurt them. The motivation is often to encourage their kids to do better or be stronger. Instead of being motivating, it often to people feelings worse about themselves and feeling depressed or anxious.
I recall some of my female clients whose parents called them ugly or told them that no man would want to be with them. They weren’t actually ugly at all. So why would their parent say something so cruel? Their parents thought if their daughters believed that boys would not like them, they would not have sex and get pregnant.
It’s twisted thinking for sure, but in the parent’s minds, it was about preventing a bad outcome for their kids. In their own way, the parents were probably motivated by love for their children. What the parents didn’t realize is that their tactic had the opposite effect. The girls ended up feeling a deep desire for a man to love and accept them and started having sex quite young. What is worse, is that they had a pattern of dating critical men. People are often attracted to and comfortable with what is familiar even if what is familiar borders on emotionally abusive.
I can think of another friend of mine whose dad would tell him he was a fuck up and wouldn’t amount to anything if he didn’t do better in school. This friend is really smart, but he didn’t try very hard in school. Despite his lack of effort he still got decent grades. His dad knew he could do better and so his tactic to motivate his son was to criticize him.
In the end, this tactic not only didn’t make my friend get better grades, but it did make him resentful of his father. He moved out of his house as soon as he could. In addition, he became hypersensitive to criticism and completely conflict-avoidant in relationships. He hates apologizing. He usually just gives in whenever there is conflict and then feels distant and resentful of his partner. He has subconsciously recreated his home environment in his marriage.
Critical parents can mean well and still damage their children
I had another client who shared that his dad used to call him names and would treat him differently than the dad treated his daughters. He would pay for things for his daughters but told his son he had to find a way to earn the money for what he wanted. The dad was not trying to be a jerk just for the sake of it, he genuinely thought he was toughening his son up. His dad felt by doing so, his son would thrive in the world and in the military which was the client’s chosen career goal. The interesting part is that this client swears that all of this did toughen him up and allowed him to succeed as a marine. He thinks his dad did a great job raising him. I suspect his dad did the best he could given what he believed at the time.
But, it did have some negative unintended consequences for my client. It is hard for him to trust others, hard for him to let his guard down, and hard for him to set boundaries in relationships. He struggles with anxiety and depression. He numbs his emotions with alcohol and drugs. Is this all his dad’s fault? No. It’s much more complicated than that, and the client has dealt with a lot of traumatic events which all exacerbate his symptoms. Critical parents often do more harm than good when it comes to influencing their children.
What is a highly critical parent (HCP)?
Highly critical parents are those who consistently place high expectations on their children. They tend to be extremely critical of their child’s performance, often without offering any support or constructive feedback. Most of us parents can be negative from time to time, but these parents often have unrealistic expectations of their kids. They don’t give helpful feedback or mentoring so much as they name-call, compare, or put down their kids. This type of parenting can be damaging to a child's mental and emotional well-being. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and even depression.
Children of highly critical parents may feel as though they are never good enough, which can have lasting effects on their sense of self-worth even in adulthood.
signs you were raised by a critical parent
You feel like you can never live up to your parent's expectations, no matter how hard you try.
You have a persistent feeling of not being good enough, no matter how much success you achieve.
You are overly self-critical and tend to blame yourself for things that aren't your fault.
You struggle with anxiety and/or depression.
You have a difficult time setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in your relationships.
You have a hard time accepting compliments or praise from others.
You tend to avoid or procrastinate on tasks or projects, fearing that you won't meet your parent's expectations.
You have a difficult time expressing your emotions and tend to suppress them instead.
You struggle with low self-esteem and self-confidence.
You tend to seek approval from others and fear rejection.
Common Traits of Highly Critical Parents
How do you know if you have/had a highly critical parent or just your run-of-the-mill parent? Here are some characteristics of highly critical parents. Highly critical parents often exhibit certain common characteristics that can hurt their children's mental health. These characteristics include perfectionism. Perfectionistic parents have unrealistic expectations of their children's abilities and are never satisfied with their performance. High expectations are another common trait. HCPs set unattainable goals for their children without providing the necessary support or guidance. Emotional unavailability is also a trait of highly critical parents. HCPs may struggle to connect emotionally with their children and fail to provide them with the love and support they need.
Highly critical parents can manifest their characteristics in various ways. Constant criticism is one way. Parents may nitpick their children's every move and are always quick to point out flaws and mistakes. Micromanagement is another manifestation. Parents may try to control every aspect of their children's lives, leaving them with no sense of autonomy or independence. Emotional neglect is also a common manifestation. In those cases, parents may be physically present but emotionally absent. This leaves their children feeling unsupported and unloved. All of these manifestations can have negative impacts on a child's mental and emotional health, leading to lasting effects into adulthood and our most intimate relationships. Does any of this sound familiar to you? You may have a highly critical parent.
Effects of highly critical parents on Children
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships
Perfectionism and fear of failure
Self-doubt and lack of confidence
Fear of making mistakes
Emotional and psychological distance from parents
Increased risk of developing mental health disorders, including anxiety and depression
Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood
Inability to set healthy boundaries
Increased risk of substance abuse and other harmful coping mechanisms
If you are reading this, you were probably raised by a critical parent. Reading through the list of effects of critical parents, you may have checked off many of the boxes. Some of you may also be worried that you will be critical of your own children and want to avoid that outcome. Talking to a caring Texas therapist can help you learn your blind spots, heal your wounds and be more intentional in the way you relate to and love those around you. You don’t have to keep repeating the mistakes of the past. With counseling, there is hope for something else in your future.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Parenting Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
Call Wilson Counseling to learn more about your options. We have a therapist that offers teen therapy and parent counseling.