Feeling like a failure at the thing you value the most in the world is painful
Most parents feel like a failure sometimes
You can never really be ready for the harrowing journey that is parenting. It can be wonderful--magical, even--when things are smooth, and your kids are happy. Sometimes, however, it can seem like a total failure, where you feel clueless, anxious, and ill-suited to parenthood. And, because the stakes are so high, it’s painful to feel like a failure at one of the most important things you will ever do. I was talking to one of my parent counseling clients recently who is a stay-at-home mom. She shared that she feels like her job is to be a parent since she doesn’t work outside of the home. So when her kids come home with failing grades, she feels like she is a failure. She is bad at the one thing that defines her life.
You will sometimes falter doing anything this hard - Parent Counseling in Houston Can Help
Even the best parents sometimes feel defeated and can be critical of themselves. Parenting is HARD. If you have ever messed things up and sarcastically remarked that you are deserving of the “Parent of the Year award,” you are not alone.
Have you ever had one of those days when you want to throw in the towel and give up on parenting? I will be the first one to admit that I have had days when I needed to go into my room, close the door, and just be by myself. My kids overwhelmed me. They can be needy, critical, and rejecting on their bad days.
You feel parental guilt for the mistakes you make
There are times when I can rebound from just about anything my kids throw my way, and other times when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. It feels like everything goes south quickly. The kids are grumpy…they come home with a failing grade… you forget to pick them up on time from some activity…they judge your choices…and push and push and push to ask for something you are not ready to let them do yet. On days like that, you may lose your temper. When that happens, the inevitable parental guilt sets in.
Sometimes as a parent, you need to be your own cheerleader
You love your kid more than anything in this world, but it’s impossible to come through parenting unscathed. I want you to offer some words of encouragement if you are weary. If any of these affirmations resonate for you, I recommend that you store them on your phone or on Post-it notes and rehearse them whenever you need a little pick-me-up.
AFFIRMATIONS for weary parents
Parents can’t and don’t need to be good at everything
Expectations are everything. You want to be great at parenting because you want your kids to have the best, but that’s an unrealistic goal. If your goal is to be a perfect parent, expect you will miss the mark every single time. Remind yourself that good enough is sometimes good enough. Just showing up with love is all your kids need.
You are not defined by your mistakes
You are not the sum total of your mistakes. Instead, you are a loving parent who happens to make mistakes. When that happens, ask for forgiveness when it’s appropriate; then try to make amends and change things going forward. Dwelling on your mistakes and tearing yourself down is unhelpful to you and your children. Give yourself grace. Kids will remember our love more than they will remember all the mistakes we made along the way.
Don’t trust your critical voice when you are tired
Your late-night, too-tired, mean and critical voice is not your friend. Don’t trust that voice. Get a good night’s sleep and see if that doesn’t help clear the negative voice.
You are enough for your kids
Sometimes when we compare ourselves, or when our kids compare us to their friends’ parents, it feels like we fall short. We are not as involved as Cherly, or as patient as Janice. We don’t put our kids in as many activities as Sam does, or chaperone debate tournaments like Liz does. Comparing can make us feel like we are not enough. It’s a trap. Your kids don’t need Liz, Sam, or Cheryl: they need you. You are uniquely equipped to parent your kids. No one will ever love them as much as you do.
Just because your kids don’t like what you are doing, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong
It’s your job to be a parent. That necessarily means sometimes you will have to set boundaries, discipline, and do things your kids don’t like. Just because your kids don’t like it or make you feel guilty about something, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. You have to know your values and live those out in your parenting.
Parent guilt is par for the course
You will feel like a crap parent at some point in your life. Guilt is not a bad thing. It’s a sign that you care about your kids and want the best for them. It may also tell you that you veered off course and need to self-correct. Once you have done that, you can let go of the guilt and remind yourself to feel thankful that you have such a strong conscience and a desire to be the best parent you can be for your kids. If you are struggling with parent guilt and shame in a compulsive way that is bringing you down, I recommend working with a Texas parenting therapist to help free you of this burden.
Even when kids push you away, they still want your approval and love
When I try to speak to my teen, I feel like all I get are one-word answers. Snuggles and hugs have been replaced with side-eyed looks and sarcastic remarks. I know that it won’t last forever, and it’s not personal. I know that my kid is trying to push me away in part to find her own identity that is different from mine. It’s developmentally normal, even if sometimes it’s hurtful. Still, I know it is also human nature to crave acceptance and love. We are tribal by nature (even surly teens).Your kid may seem like they don’t want to be anywhere near you, and yet, they still need to know that you love them, see them, approve of them, and will be there for them no matter what. Keep showing up even when it feels like they don’t want you around. That is the real power you have as a parent. You don’t have to be great at it; you just have to keep showing up reliably. You are modeling love--showing them how to both give love and how to receive it. You are the first and most important place they will ever learn this incredible life-giving skill.
Feeling like you are not enough is just a sign that you care about your kids
This is similar to what I say about parent guilt. I know you love your kids because you have made it this far into the blog post. You are willing to put in the time and effort because you care about your kids. Let’s face it, you could be binge-watching Netflix right now, but you’re not. Your behavior tells me where your priorities lie.The same is true about your feelings that you are not enough. You would not even feel this way if you didn’t care about your kids. You want them to have the best parents. You want them to have the best of everything, and sometimes you don’t feel like the best. You feel more like a failure. That tells me you care about your kids. Acknowledge that about yourself. Give yourself credit for caring, and then let the feelings of shame float away with the clouds.
You can do hard things. Parent Counseling can help when you don’t know what to do.
I know this is true because you are a parent. Even bringing a child into this world or your home tells me you are more than capable of hard things. You have not given up on them yet. Even when your kid is a big jerk, you still wake up, show up, and keep loving them. That’s not easy to keep doing.Remind yourself of all of the insane, difficult, painful things you have done in your life. You are tough cookies--Wonder Woman and Iron Man all rolled into one. Just because you feel weak and worn out, it doesn't mean you are. It just means you are human and need some rest. Then tomorrow, you will get up and do more hard things.
If I could give you a high five for showing up every day, for caring, and for stopping to read articles like this, I would. Seriously, pat yourself on the back. You work incredibly hard to be a good parent. It’s no easy task, and it can be a thankless job sometimes (maybe most of the time!). But you are raising the next generation, so press on! And if you need some encouragement and help along the way, don’t be afraid to reach out.
When is it helpful to talk to a parent counselor in Houston, TX?
Parenting takes a village. Working with a parent counselor can help you when you are worn out and don’t know how to parent your kids. Parent counseling can help you work through decisions, set boundaries with your kids, learn what is age appropriate for your children, and learn to manage difficult behavior. You can find out more about parenting counseling here. You don't have to go through this alone. We are in this together. Take these steps to get support and learn more about parenting.
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In addition to parenting counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals, we offer Anxiety Treatment, Couples and Marriage Therapy, Divorce Counseling, Eating Disorder Therapy, School and College Counseling, and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
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