Even in a happy marriage, couples often disagree about how to raise children. If you are separated or divorced, that task can be even more complicated. It is. however, worth the effort to work together with your ex as amicably as you can. Kids are observant and they pick up on tensions between parents. They crave stability. You don’t have to be married or living together to give your children stability.
Here are some things you can do to co-parent well:
Compromise
You are not going to always agree on how to raise your kids. I recommend you work hard to find compromises that work for you both of you. Compromise may not be as satisfying or even seem as beneficial to your kids, but ultimately finding some middle ground will allow you and your ex to keep working together.
Communicate as a team
When you have things to tell your kids that involve both parents, try to be on the same page and communicate as a team. Kids can strategically try to divide and conquer parents to get their way. Being on the same page in your communication shows kids you are the authorities and you have the same message. If possible, it is best to agree upon the rules so kids have consistency in both homes. If you don’t agree on rules, at least try not to criticize your ex’s rules and expectations in front of the kids.
Communicate directly with your ex
Don’t make the kids a go-between so you can avoid dealing with your ex. That puts an unfair burden on them and can lead to miscommunication. Instead, speak directly with your ex about whatever is going on. If you do see things that bother you, discuss them with your ex. Try not to accuse your ex as that will generally just put them on the defensive, but try to find solutions you can both agree on.
Don’t talk badly about your ex
It is awkward and uncomfortable for kids to hear bad things about their parents. It may feel as if you are asking them to take sides or choose allegiance to their favorite parent. If you are frustrated with your ex, it’s better to talk to a friend or your therapist about it. Otherwise, it places an undue burden on the children. Don’t talk badly about your ex and don’t encourage the kids to do so either (even if it feels good to hear it sometimes).
Don’t ignore special days like birthdays
Kids want to celebrate special days. If you ignore those days, it can be upsetting to the child, or they should feel like they don’t have permission to acknowledge those days. This can cause them to censor themselves and not open up to you. It is okay to acknowledge things like your ex’s birthday.
Do not involve kids in adult decisions
Keep problems between adults. Discuss concerns or any adult topics directly with your ex.
Pick your battles
There is a reason that your ex is your ex. You have conflict and you disagree sometimes even about the most fundamental things. However, it is not wise to fight for everything you want from your ex. Choose the things that matter most and pick your battles wisely. Ask yourself, “Is this something that I will care about in 5 years? Will this have a big impact on the kids?”
Be flexible with your schedule
You may have a custody agreement or an agreed-upon schedule, but sometimes things change. It is helpful to be flexible with your schedule, and your ex will hopefully follow suit and give you the flexibility you need, as well.
Don’t expect your ex to handle things the way you do
You are two different people. It’s not realistic to expect your ex to do things the way you would. Try to be open to different ways of doing things as long as they are not harmful to your child.
Share information, updates, photos, and accolades with your ex
This falls under the category of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s hard to be apart from your kids sometimes. You can miss them. It’s nice to get updates, pictures, etc. about how they are doing when they are with your ex. It helps keep both parents in the loop. Take a little extra time to update your ex. Hopefully, this effort will be appreciated and garner goodwill with your ex, and they will do the same for you.
Enjoy your time off
Allow yourself to genuinely take time off and do things that recharge you when your child is away. Don’t feel like you have to be productive every second they are gone. That is a recipe for burn out. If you do focus on things that are good for you, when they come back, you will be all set to give them the love and affection they need from you.
Have a support network
The greatest predictor of how well people will do is how strong their support system is. Friends, family, or members of a club or religious organization could all be part of your support system. Anyone who is there for you in any capacity is part of your support system. If your support system is lacking, I recommend reaching out and trying to build relationships with supportive people. You will appreciate it when times get tough, which they always do.
The most important thing to remember here is that your kid comes first.
You are going through all of this effort in order to give your kids the most stable and loving environment you can. I realize some of you may be dealing with very difficult or even abusive exes, and it may be impossible to do some things on this list. Even if that is not the case and you have a reasonable ex, it’s still hard to co-parent. Take it day by day, decision by decision. Following these tips will set you up for the best-case co-parenting situation. That is not to say it will be easy, but it will at least be smoother than if you don’t follow these guidelines.
Why bother going through all of this when it is hard? There are a lot of benefits for kids.
Here are a few of the benefits of co-parenting:
Security
Kids feel more secure when parents can work together amicably. This stability helps them grow up feeling secure and safe in their world. This sense of safety is important for being able to form bonds and relationships later in life.
Consistency
If there is consistency between households regarding expectations, discipline, etc., it is possible for children to know what is expected and to succeed in doing those things. This success can also help build self-esteem.
Modeling
By working well together, you are modeling to kids how to be respectful, how to communicate, and how to deal with others even when the situation is difficult.
Problem-solving
Kids learn skills from their families. The family unit is the first and one of the most important places kids learn how to resolve conflict and solve problems. If kids see their parents working together despite differences, they can also learn to solve problems.
Mental health
Kids whose parents have a lot of conflict are more likely to deal with issues like depression and anxiety. It is not worth the toll it can take on kids. You don’t have any control over your ex, but you do have a lot of control over your own choices and actions.
No one is saying co-parenting is easy, but you are a parent, so I know you are capable of doing hard things. If you need help, please reach out. We have counselors who can help counsel and guide you on this journey of co-parenting and parenting in general.
We have Texas-based parenting counselors who can be reached online or via phone at 713-565-0922