Conflict with your partner can leave you exhausted
Cindy came in for couples counseling feeling like things were falling apart all around her. She had had an altercation with someone at work and had been written up for it. This was pretty devastating to someone whose identity was wrapped up in her reputation at work.
Add to that stress the fact that she and her husband were fighting more and she was questioning if marrying him was a mistake. Her communication with her husband had become increasingly combative. She felt he did not help out enough, was not contributing to the relationship financially, and did not listen to her when she tried to voice her concerns. Cindy did not want to leave her husband or her job, but she knew she could not keep things going the way they were.
Sometimes when I write about my counseling clients’ stories, I wonder if the words do justice to the real pain of their experiences. Words like stress hardly seem sufficient. When you think about your own life and the conflict you have had with loved ones, you realize how deep and pervasive the fallout is from these damaged relationships.
Longstanding arguments with your partner can cloud your entire day or week, or your life in general. You can start to lose hope and feel depressed. And what seems even more tragic about this, is that all of this hurt is coming from interactions with someone whom you love and who loves you back. All of this is coming from someone who probably genuinely wants you to be happy.
I was able to help Cindy decrease her stress level with some cognitive behavioral techniques. Once her mood improved, we worked on her relationship problems. I encouraged Cindy to ask herself some questions before talking to her husband. These questions can help all of us to be more intentional and avoid a lot of conflict before it starts. I encourage you to take out a note card or your phone and write down the questions and your answers to these questions.
Develop goals for your conversation
The first question is:
What are my intentions for this conversation?
You may want to be able to vent, to problem solve, to figure out what you want, and to ask for help from your partner. There are a lot of different options here. You will want to share the answer to this with your partner so that they know how they can help be there for you and meet your needs in the conversation.
Your intentions are based on your needs, emotions, or circumstances. Here are different ways someone might express their intentions during a conversation.
Your partner can’t read your mind so don’t assume they will know what you need if you don’t tell them.
Seeking Support:
Example: "I've had a tough day, and I need someone to talk to and offer support."
Expressing Joy or Excitement:
Example: "I have some exciting news to share, and I can't wait to tell you about it!"
Problem-Solving:
Example: "I've been facing a challenge at work, and I would appreciate your input on how to approach it."
Sharing Accomplishments:
Example: "I achieved a personal goal today, and I wanted to celebrate it with you."
Need for Validation:
Example: "I've been feeling a bit uncertain lately, and I could use some reassurance and validation."
Expressing Feelings:
Example: "I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I just need to express my emotions without any judgment."
Desiring Connection:
Example: "I miss spending quality time with you, and I'd love to connect and catch up."
Seeking Understanding:
Example: "There's something on my mind, and I want to share it with you so that we can understand each other better."
Providing Information:
Example: "I have some important updates to share about my day, and I thought you'd like to know."
Requesting Feedback:
Example: "I've been thinking about a decision, and I value your opinion. Can we discuss it together?"
Expressing Vulnerability:
Example: "I'm feeling vulnerable right now, and I trust you enough to share my thoughts and feelings."
Apologizing or Making Amends:
Example: "I realize I made a mistake, and I want to apologize and discuss how we can move forward."
Even if your partner loves you, they won’t intuitively know what you need. It’s up to you to clarify at the beginning of a conversation what you want from them. Spell it out so they can’t misunderstand. Even then, they may have trouble giving you what you need. Maybe they are used to problem solving but you just need them to empathize. If so, gently remind them what you want most is empathy. And keep reminding them until they get it. If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, our Houston couples counselors or marriage therapists can help you both learn communication skills.
Think about how you want your partner to feel after the conversation
The second question is:
"How do I want my partner/friend/co-worker to feel at the end of our interaction?"
Here are some examples of ways you might want your partner to feel and how to convey that.
Empowered or Motivated:
Example: "You have the skills to overcome challenges. Let's tackle this together, and I hope you feel empowered and motivated."
Valued and Appreciated:
Example: "Your contributions mean a lot to me. I want you to feel valued and appreciated in our relationship."
Understood and Respected:
Example: "I truly understand where you're coming from, and I want you to feel respected for your perspective."
Connected and Close:
Example: "I appreciate our openness. I hope that you feel connected and close, knowing we can share our thoughts and feelings."
Clear and Informed:
Example: "I want to make sure everything is clear for you. Let me know if you have any questions so you can feel informed about the situation."
Encouraged and Positive:
Example: "You have so much potential. I hope you leave feeling encouraged and positive about your abilities and the solutions we discussed."
Loved and Cared For:
Example: "No matter what, I want you to know you're loved and cared for. We'll get through this together."
Resolved and at Ease:
Example: "I appreciate your honesty. My intention is for you to feel a sense of resolution and ease now that we've addressed any concerns."
Supported and Empathized:
Example: "I'm here for you, and I hope you feel supported and understood after our conversation."
Appreciative and Grateful:
Example: "Our time together is valuable, and I'm grateful for our friendship. I hope you feel appreciated and valued."
Motivated to Collaborate:
Example: "Your input is essential. I hope you leave our conversation motivated to collaborate further and make positive contributions to our team."
These questions will help you deal with your partner in a way that fits who you want to be.
You won't always do this perfectly, but it is a great place to start. When Cindy and I talked about using these questions, I could see a light going off for her. She realized she had some control over how she felt when dealing with her husband. And now she had a tool to use in communicating with him. Then Cindy said something interesting "I need to value my well-being." In other words, I need to value myself enough to work on this and use the tools.
I don't know your situation, but if you are struggling in a relationship, I recommend you try using these questions to guide and inform your interactions. I think you will find, like Cindy did, that you feel more in control, and better about yourself. And ultimately, I hope it will mean more peace in your relationships as your partner feels heard and valued.
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We hope you find these resources helpful! If you are struggling with loneliness, conflict, or anxiety, speaking to a professional counselor in Houston can help.
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