*Updated January 2024
Initiating sex sends a message of love & acceptance to your partner
I was reminded recently how powerful and healing a loving touch can be. One of my clients, Jimmy (not his real name) was talking about the feelings of insecurity, loneliness, resentment, and self-doubt he felt after having sex with his girlfriend. Jimmy had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse and has felt conflicted about sex for most of his life. The perpetrator of the abuse had coerced Jimmy into performing oral sex repeatedly and would yell for him to do it again and again. Jimmy felt he was never good enough to please her. He carried this need to perform into all of his sexual relationships throughout adolescence and into adulthood.
It is particularly difficult for Jimmy to feel wanted if the woman he is with does not initiate physical contact. In his current relationship, his girlfriend has expressed a preference and a need for him to "be the man" and initiate sex. He feels further pressure to play the role of leader/initiator that he thinks is expected of him by our society. Ultimately, this puts him in a role where he does not feel wanted by his girlfriend but used.
Jimmy trembled when he shared how important this need to feel wanted was for him. His words were poignant and beautiful. "Feeling wanted would make me feel like I exist. I'm a living breathing person. Sometimes I just don't feel human. I am floating around in life (like the feather in Forest Gump), with no connection to anyone or anything. I could fall in love with anyone who made me feel human. The simple touch means so much. The whole world could be falling apart around me and it would not matter."
I think we often overlook how the small things we do either tear people down or build them up. For Jimmy, small, gentle loving touches initiated by someone who loves him would mean so much. In your life, consider the things you can do that can meet the unmet needs of the people you love. If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner. Ask them what you can do that helps them feel loved, and then do it frequently and with a willing heart.
Your loving touches may mean more to them than you know.
Initiating sex in a relationship serves several important purposes that contribute to the well-being and connection between partners.
ways initiating sex can positively impact your partner:
Feeling Desired and Attractive:
Initiating sex communicates a powerful message of desire and attraction. It reassures your partner that you find them physically and emotionally appealing, contributing to a positive self-image and sense of attractiveness.
Enhancing Intimacy:
Sexual intimacy is a key component of a romantic relationship. Initiating sex fosters a deeper emotional connection between partners, strengthening the bond and creating a sense of closeness that goes beyond everyday interactions.
Building Emotional Connection:
Physical intimacy is often intertwined with emotional connection. Initiating sex can be a way to express love, affection, and a desire to connect with your partner on a deeper level, fostering emotional intimacy.
Boosting Confidence:
Knowing that your partner actively initiates sex can boost confidence and self-esteem. It reassures them of their desirability and reinforces a positive self-image within the relationship.
Stress Reduction:
Engaging in sexual activity can have stress-reducing effects. Initiating sex provides an opportunity for both partners to unwind, relax, and enjoy each other's company, promoting emotional well-being.
Creating a Sense of Security:
Consistent initiation of sex can create a sense of security within the relationship. It reassures your partner of your commitment and can contribute to a more stable and fulfilling connection.
Variety and Excitement:
Initiating sex introduces variety and excitement into the relationship. It can break the routine and bring spontaneity, keeping the romantic aspect of the relationship dynamic and vibrant.
Communication of Love:
Initiating sex is a non-verbal way of expressing love and affection. It communicates a willingness to be vulnerable and intimate, fostering a deeper understanding of each other's needs and desires.
Promoting Overall Relationship Satisfaction:
Regular sexual activity has been linked to overall relationship satisfaction. By actively participating in initiating sex, partners contribute to the physical and emotional well-being of the relationship.
Building Mutual Trust:
Initiating sex requires a level of vulnerability and trust. When both partners feel comfortable initiating, it creates an environment where they can express their desires openly, contributing to the overall trust in the relationship.
Why do we hesitate to initiate sex?
Initiating sex can be a bit tricky, and it's totally normal to feel some hesitation. A lot of us struggle with it for various reasons. It might be the fear of rejection, concerns about body image, or just feeling uncertain about your partner's mood or desires. Maybe past experiences are playing a role, making the whole initiation thing a bit nerve-wracking. It's okay to acknowledge these feelings, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.
Sometimes, societal expectations or pressures add to the mix, making it feel like there's a right or wrong way to go about it. But let me tell you, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to initiating intimacy. What's important is open communication with your partner, understanding each other's comfort zones, and creating an environment where both of you feel free to express your desires.
It's all about finding a balance that works for both of you and remembering that it's perfectly okay to take things at a pace that feels right. So, take a deep breath, communicate openly, and remember, it's a shared journey. You've got this!
It's important to note that communication is key in any relationship, including discussions about desires, boundaries, and comfort levels. Open dialogue ensures that both partners are on the same page and can contribute to a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.