All parents show favoritism, whether you realize it or not.
I really wanted to avoid doing this to my own children. I even read parenting books like “Siblings without rivalry” so that I could keep from making mistakes that would make one of my kids feel less than another. It was well intentioned, and helpful even, but I can see now that there is no way to be perfect at this parenting thing.
Inevitably, we heard things like “you like her better,” “she’s so perfect,” “she’s your favorite.” And sadly, we had a lot of years of resentment between our kids despite our best efforts to treat them equally and NOT show favoritism. Does that mean you should give up trying to be better? I don’t think so. Being pretty good at not showing favorites is still better than outright not caring and doing things that hurt your kids without meaning to. With a little grace and a lot of guidance, you can do your best not to show favorites and get the best outcomes possible.
As parents, we want nothing more than to love and nurture ALL of our children equally. Each of your kids is precious to you. Yet, it’s not uncommon to feel more connected to one child at certain moments or stages of life. Whether it’s because of shared interests, similar temperaments, or easier communication styles, these dynamics can happen without us even realizing it. It’s not a sign you are a bad parent or a bad person, it’s normal to feel closer to someone who is more like you and speaks your love language more naturally.
But when favoritism, even unintentional, creeps into parenting, it can create long-lasting emotional impacts on your kids and rifts between the children themselves. Don’t judge yourself if you have played favorites (intentionally or unintentionally). Parenting is hard. It’s impossible not to feel closer to one kid than another, but there are things you can do to minimize the sense of favoritism.
In this post, we’ll explore why favoritism happens, how it affects children, and actionable steps you can take to ensure all your kids feel valued and loved.
Why Does Favoritism towards kids Happen?
It’s human nature to feel drawn to certain personalities or behaviors, and this can extend to your children. Some common reasons favoritism might occur include:
Personality differences: One child may share more of your interests or communicate in a way that resonates with you.
Stages of development: A baby or toddler who requires more care may naturally demand more attention, leaving older children feeling left out.
Behavioral challenges: If one child is easier to parent due to good behavior, it can unintentionally make them feel like the “favorite.”
Stress or life events: Parents may unintentionally favor the child who is less challenging during a stressful time in their lives.
Acknowledging tendencies to favor one over another is the first step toward more balanced parenting.
How Does Favoritism Affect Kids?
Even subtle favoritism can have significant effects on children. Kids are incredibly perceptive, and they often pick up on disparities, even if parents believe they’re being fair. In my experience, they will often see favoritism even when it’s not there, so don’t feel like you are screwing up necessarily just because your kids accuse you of favoritism. But, try to be honest and notice if you feel more kinship with one kid vs another. If you are showing favoritism, it can have an impact on your kids including:
Lower self-esteem: The less-favored child may feel like they’re not enough, leading to anxiety, depression, or low self-worth.
Sibling rivalry: Perceived favoritism can fuel jealousy and competition between siblings, creating tension in family relationships.
Resentment toward parents: Over time, children who feel overlooked may develop resentment toward the parent they feel is playing favorites.
Before you beat yourself up for playing favorites in the past, show yourself some grace. It is good to acknowledge that no matter how good of a parent you are, there are some factors that are beyond your control. The good news is, there is something you can do about not showing favoritism to help your odds.
Tips to Avoid Showing Favoritism with your kids
1. Self-Reflect on Your Parenting Style
Take a moment to consider whether you’re unintentionally favoring one child. Ask yourself:
Do I spend more time with one child than the other?
Do I respond more positively to one child’s achievements or personality traits?
Do I get frustrated more quickly with one child?
By identifying patterns, you can work to correct them and try to be more balanced. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about trying your best to love each child as they need to be loved and seeing the uniqueness in each child, even if they are not like you.
2. Celebrate Each Child’s Unique Strengths
Every child has their own personality, interests, and talents. Instead of comparing them, focus on celebrating their individuality. For example:
Compliment your child’s specific qualities, like their creativity, kindness, or problem-solving skills.
Avoid phrases like, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” as they create unnecessary competition. Think about it - do you like being compared to other people?
3. Spend Quality Time with Each Child
Carve out one-on-one time with each of your kids to make them feel special. This could be as simple as:
Taking one child to run errands while chatting about their day.
Setting aside time for an activity they enjoy, like playing a game or reading a book together.
By giving each child undivided attention, you show them they’re valued. Focus on things your child likes and not just your own interests.Make time for your child even if they are not always the most pleasant person to be around. As someone who has raised teenagers, I can assure you that kids do go through difficult phases and it seems easiest to have as little contact as possible in those time. But, I recommend you try to meet kids where they are at. Even if that just means sharing memes or watching odd youtube videos with them on subjects they are into.
4. Be Mindful of Praise and Discipline
One of the most subtle but powerful ways parents can unintentionally show favoritism is through how they praise or discipline their children. When one child seems to receive all the compliments, privileges, or leniency—and another receives more criticism or stricter consequences—it can lead to lasting feelings of hurt, jealousy, and insecurity. That’s why it’s essential to not only intend fairness but also demonstrate it in ways your kids can see and feel.
Acknowledge Each Child’s Wins, Big or Small
If one child earns a reward for good behavior—maybe they cleaned their room without being asked or helped a friend at school—it’s perfectly appropriate to celebrate that. But don’t forget to notice the good in your other children, too. That doesn’t mean inventing reasons to praise, but it does mean being intentional about seeking out what they’re doing well.
You might say:
“I really appreciated how you helped your brother find his toy earlier. That showed a lot of kindness.”
“I saw you kept trying even when that homework was frustrating. That’s a lot of perseverance.”
The goal isn’t to hand out equal praise like participation trophies—it’s to make sure every child feels seen and valued for who they are and what they’re trying to do. When children notice that their efforts are acknowledged, even if they’re different from their siblings’, they’re less likely to compare and more likely to feel secure in their relationship with you.
Consistency in Discipline Builds Trust
The same principle applies when it comes to setting limits. If one child gets grounded for talking back and another gets a pass for similar behavior, it’s likely your kids will pick up on that—and they’ll remember. Inconsistent discipline doesn’t just breed sibling rivalry; it can also undermine your authority and create confusion about what the rules actually are.
That said, fairness doesn’t always mean treating every child exactly the same. Different ages, developmental stages, and personalities may require different approaches. A teenager and a six-year-old shouldn’t be expected to follow the same bedtime or have the same privileges. But the key is to explain the reasoning behind your decisions and make sure your kids understand that you’re trying to be fair, not favoring one over the other.
You might say:
“Your sister has a later bedtime because she’s older, but when you get to that age, you will too.”
“I talked to your brother about his attitude just like I’m talking to you now. Respect is important for everyone.”
When consequences are thoughtful, consistent, and clearly explained, kids are much more likely to accept them without feeling like they’re being singled out.
Strive for Emotional Balance, Not Perfection
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to parent perfectly—it’s to parent consciously. Kids are sensitive to how love, attention, and discipline are distributed. So check in with yourself from time to time: Am I spending enough one-on-one time with each child? Am I praising one child’s accomplishments but overlooking another’s efforts? Am I holding one child to a stricter standard than the others?
When you notice imbalances, gently course correct. Apologize if needed. And remind your kids that your love isn’t earned or measured—it’s unconditional.
5. Listen to Your Kids
Sometimes, kids will tell you outright if they feel like there’s favoritism. It can sting to hear that one of your children believes you’re not being fair—but this moment is a powerful opportunity for connection and growth. Instead of getting defensive or brushing their concerns aside, slow down and lean into the conversation with curiosity and compassion.
1. Pause and Really Listen
Children often struggle to express themselves clearly, especially when emotions are high. If your child says something like, “You always like her better than me,” or “You never listen to me like you do with him,” try to hear the feeling behind the words. They're not necessarily accusing you—they’re telling you they feel hurt, overlooked, or unsure of their place in the family. Your first job in this moment isn’t to fix or explain, but to listen.
You might say:
“That sounds really hard to feel that way. I’m really glad you told me.”
“I didn’t know you were feeling this way, and I want to understand better.”
This kind of response opens the door to meaningful dialogue instead of shutting it down.
2. Validate Their Emotions, Even If You Disagree
You don’t have to agree that you’re showing favoritism to acknowledge that your child feels like you are. Validation isn’t the same as admission—it simply means you’re recognizing their experience as real and important. When children feel seen and heard, they’re more likely to stay open and receptive to further conversation.
Try saying:
“I see how it might have felt like that when I praised your sister and didn’t say anything to you.”
“You’re right that I spend more time helping your brother with homework—it makes sense that you’d notice that.”
Validation helps diffuse tension and shows your child that their feelings are safe with you.
3. Reassure Them of Your Love and Explain Your Intentions
After you’ve listened and validated, gently offer reassurance. Let them know that your goal is always to treat your children fairly, even though that doesn’t always mean treating them exactly the same. Fairness can look different based on age, needs, personality, or even the kind of day everyone is having.
You might explain:
“I love all of you so much, and I try really hard to give each of you what you need. That can look different sometimes.”
“I never want you to feel left out. If something I’ve done made you feel that way, I want to work on it.”
Keep your tone warm and open—this isn’t about defending yourself but building understanding.
4. Reflect on Your Parenting Patterns
Sometimes your child’s perception of favoritism is based on specific situations you may not have noticed. Maybe one child gets more praise because they struggle more, or another gets more freedom because they’re older. These differences might make perfect sense to you, but it’s worth reflecting on how they come across to your kids.
Ask yourself:
Do I consistently react more gently to one child’s mistakes?
Do I spend more quality time with one child than the others?
Have I unintentionally created patterns that could be misinterpreted?
Reflection isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness and making small adjustments when needed.
5. Invite Ongoing Conversations
Let your child know that they can always talk to you about how they’re feeling. When a child knows they won’t be punished or dismissed for bringing up something vulnerable, they’ll trust you more—and that trust will pay off in every area of your relationship.
Say something like:
“If you ever feel like things aren’t fair, I hope you’ll always tell me. I want us to be able to talk about anything.”
“I might not always get it right the first time, but I’m here to listen and do better.”
6. Avoid Comparing Your Kids
Comparison is one of the quickest ways to make kids feel unequal. Even if your intention is to motivate, statements like “Your sister got an A; why didn’t you?” or “Your brother always cleans up after himself, and you don’t” can lead to resentment, low self-esteem, and a feeling that love is conditional on performance. Over time, this can erode sibling relationships and your child’s sense of self-worth.
Instead, frame feedback in a way that focuses on individual growth, effort, and values. Speak to each child as a unique person with their own strengths, challenges, and goals. For example:
Instead of: “Your sister already finished her chores. What’s taking you so long?”
Try: “I noticed you’ve had a hard time staying focused today. Let’s make a plan to help you get through your chores more easily.”Instead of: “Your brother is always polite—why can’t you be more like him?”
Try: “It’s important in our family to speak kindly to each other. I know you can work on that, and I’m here to help.”
This kind of feedback encourages your child to reflect on their own behavior without measuring themselves against their siblings. It also reinforces the idea that your expectations come from a place of love and support, not competition. Over time, focusing on progress instead of comparison helps your children develop intrinsic motivation and a more secure sense of belonging in the family.
7. Get Support When Needed
Parenting is hard, and balancing the needs of multiple children can feel overwhelming at times. If you find yourself struggling with feelings of guilt, frustration, or confusion about how to parent equally, reaching out to a counselor can help.
Counseling Can Help
At Wilson Counseling in Texas, we understand the challenges of parenting and the complex emotions that come with raising children. Our therapists specialize in helping families build stronger connections and navigate difficult dynamics like favoritism. Through counseling, you can gain the tools and strategies to ensure all your children feel equally loved and supported.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Parenting Counseling, Family Therapy, and Teen Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals, we offer Anxiety Counseling, Premarital Counseling, Couples and Marriage Therapy, Divorce Counseling, Infertility Counseling, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment and Child Therapy. As well as Eating Disorder Therapy, School and College Counseling, ADHD Treatment, Autism Therapy, Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, Chronic Pain Therapy and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you’d like to learn more about how we can support you and your family, contact us today. We’re here to help you create a balanced and loving family environment where every child thrives.