Breakups make us feel broken. They’re physically painful. And it’s not all psychological, either. MRIs have shown us that people who recently went through a breakup have higher-than-normal activity in the part of the brain that registers physical pain. These feelings of pain lead to the release of the stress chemical cortisol, which can cause nausea, and difficulty breathing and can weaken the heart muscle itself. You’re not weak or crazy for feeling so bad after a breakup. The fact is that your body is in real physical pain.
The mission statement of the church I attend is that they exist to “Love the city by bringing beauty into the broken places.” I’ve always been drawn to that mission, both in my personal and professional lives. Why else do we exist if not to make things better by helping, healing, befriending, and loving those broken things that we know are beautiful? It never occurred to me until recently that this idea can be applied to those who are heartbroken, too. Maybe your heart is a broken place searching to be made whole, to be made beautiful.
After a breakup, you wonder if you will ever be happy again
The pain of a breakup is visceral and consuming. You can’t stop thinking about your ex. You go over every detail of what went wrong. You want to show them how they hurt you and get an apology, but usually, all you get is silence and anger. You stalk their socials in hopes of having some kind of connection. You cry when your song is played or something brings to mind memories of your ex. You wonder if you will ever be happy again.
You can’t speed up the grieving process after a breakup
Sadly, you can’t really speed up the grieving process. No matter how badly you want to feel better, you will have to live in the heartache and walk through it before you get to healing on the other side. Dating someone new, numbing with alcohol, drugs, or sex, throwing yourself into work, or filling every second with activity only serves to put off the pain temporarily. However, in the quiet moments, the heartache from your breakup comes streaming back in. You are sad and angry all over again.
It is hard to have peace when you are in conflict with someone
For someone like me who values harmony in relationships, there is another complicating element. You break up with someone because you were not compatible or you had other problems between you that outweighed the good in the relationship. Maybe you were poisonous together or just brought out the worst in one another. In a breakup, there is often estrangement with your ex. It can be really hard to feel at peace with the lack of harmony.
And yet, even if you have an amicable breakup, it is often not healthy for you to stay friends. This fact is particularly true if you brought out the worst in each other, if you fall back into negative patterns with one another, or if you are still so attached and attracted to one another that you keep rekindling the relationship. You may need to have a total blackout on interacting, at least for a little while. You need this to let your heart heal. It has to scab over, or else the wound will continue to be raw.
The blackout will probably feel wrong if you crave connection and harmony. You have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. You may want harmony, but instead, you may have to settle for knowing that things may never feel right between you and your ex no matter how hard you try. And that is okay. You can still have personal peace in your heart.
You may find peace by being an instrument of peace
You may be seeking shalom (peace), but I want to suggest that one way to get that is not to demand an apology, not to fill up your time and your mind, not to move on to the next person, but instead by choosing to be an instrument of peace. There is a well-known prayer by St. Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
a path for bringing beauty into the broken places inside your heart.
I recommend you use this prayer in a meditative way. Find a quiet place, and take 10 deep, slow breaths in and out to help you focus and bring you into the present moment. Then say each sentence out loud as an aspiration or prayer you have for yourself and for your ex. It may sound crazy to wish for good things for someone who has harmed you, but this can help bring you peace when you can’t get it from your ex.
forgiveness is not the same as justifying harm caused to us
Lord, make an instrument of your peace. Let me not cause pain for myself or my ex. Let me seek internal harmony or shalom.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Let me have self-love, and let me replace the anger and hate with love and compassion
Where there is injury, pardon. Let me forgive myself for the things I feel ashamed of and let me forgive my ex.
I would like to note that forgiveness is not the same as justifying harm caused to us. It does not mean what happened to you was okay. It also does not mean you should have any connection or communication with someone who is bad for your mental health. You can forgive someone and still maintain your boundaries. I think forgiveness is mostly about choosing not to hold too tightly to the injuries which can eat us up inside.
Remind yourself that you can do hard things
Where there is doubt, faith. Let me trust that it is going to be okay. You can rest in that belief and in the comfort of your faith in the great comforter even when you don’t see an end to your heartbreak.
If you are not a person of faith, I think this prayer still applies - it may just come out as an aspiration that you can say to yourself internally or even out loud as a declaration. “Let me, or may I believe that it is going to be okay even when I don’t feel okay. I have always been okay in the past despite hardships, so I know I will be okay in the future. I just need some time.”
Let your friends hold out hope when you feel despair after a breakup
Where there is despair, hope. Let me have the hope that tells me tomorrow will be better than today. It is worth the fight to keep going and to keep pursuing beauty in broken places.
Where there is darkness, light. When I feel depressed and can’t find my way in the dark, light my path. Show me the way to feel free and make wise choices. The grief of a breakup can feel blinding. It is so hard to know if you can trust yourself. You may question yourself and be beating yourself up for your choices. In that dark space, the light will shine clearly. What a relief that can be. When you don’t have your own light, surround yourself with people who love you and they will be the light for you. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends. This life is brutal if we try to do it without support.
Where there is sadness, joy. Let my sadness be transformed into joy. It may be hard to believe now, but your suffering is not for nothing. Even this situation can be redeemed. Your broken heart can be redeemed. There can be a happy ending. If nothing else, know that your suffering will make you a kinder, more compassionate person who is better equipped to bring beauty to broken places. And if you are willing to be vulnerable and share your story, it can provide a guidebook for others who are struggling with heartache and want to feel joy again.
Don’t listen to the voice that tells you that you aren’t loveable
This post may not resonate with everyone, but I know there are people out there who need to hear it. For you, I hope it is the start of finding hope and healing. You are a valuable and loveable person. Don’t let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise.
When you are in the middle of a storm, it can be hard to believe there are sunny skies ahead, but trust me, there always are. You just have to hold on and fight to find the beauty in your broken heart. It will come. Healing is not linear. There will be days you don’t even want to get out of bed. That’s normal. But keep going and you will find the light and be a better person for it.
Your pain is making you a more compassionate person
If you need help with overcoming a breakup, we have Houston TX couples therapists that can help. We also have divorce counseling available. Call our Houston counseling office at 713 -595-0922 to schedule an appointment or to see how we can be of help.