Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other?! Things were fun and spicy in the bedroom. You wanted to try all kinds of things and everything was new? If that is not the case anymore, don’t worry. It’s normal for the heat to come and go. Hopefully, it hasn’t gone ice cold. But even if it has, our Houston Couples counselors and Marriage therapists can help you and your partner get back on track.
The good news is, you don’t have to settle for a not-so-great sex life. The bad news is it will take some effort to make your sex life exciting again. But, trust me, it’s worth it! You can read more about why sex is good for you in this blog post.
The key to spicing up your love life is to try new things.
Most couples have a menu of things they do in the bedroom. They may even do the same things in the same order every time they have sex. I get that. If you know what will bring you to climax, why not keep doing it, right? Why fix it if it ain’t broke, so to speak?
There is one good reason to try new things - just because you are reaching orgasm, does not mean you are enjoying intimacy as much as you can, and it certainly doesn’t mean things are exciting and fun. Or maybe you are not reaching orgasm and this is creating feelings of resentment or distance from your partner. Having fun with your partner sexually will help you feel closer and grateful for them. NOW is the time you can break out of your rut in the bedroom and make your sex life fun and satisfying
How do you tell your partner that you are not enjoying sex as much as you once did?
There is a kind way to bring this up and work to make things spicy and fun once again. I recommend using this Yes, No, Maybe checklist to start a conversation with your partner about what they want to do, what they might be up for, and what is off the table for them sexually. It’s like a sex menu. You get to choose what you like.
reasons people don’t talk about sex with their partners
In a nutshell, it can be awkward and kinda touchy to talk about sex. You don’t want to come across as critical and make things worse. But, if you don’t talk about sex, things won’t improve. Your partner can’t read your mind and they can’t feel what you feel when you are having sex. Here are some of the top reasons couples don’t talk about sex.
Communication Barriers:
It is often hard to express your thoughts and feelings, particularly when it comes to sensitive topics like sex. You may worry about judgment, embarrassment, or about offending your partner. It can feel easier to just ignore the problem than to talk about something that makes someone uncomfortable.
Cultural or Religious Taboos:
Some of you were raised in the purity culture that says you should not have sex till you’re married. Or maybe society sent you messages that it’s not proper to talk openly about sex. You might have some religious teachings that mess with your ability to stay open about your sexuality and explore pleasure. Some faith traditions have very rigid ideas of what is morally right and wrong in the bedroom. While others view sex as dirty and fleshly or not of the spiritual realm. It can be hard to break through these value messages that are thrust upon us.
Fear of Judgment or Rejection:
The fear of being judged or rejected may be the most common reason that couples don’t talk about sex. If you are worried your partner might think you are gross or deviant, you may feel too anxious to even open up a conversation about sex and what you like. You may also worry that you and your partner don’t have compatible sexual interests. It seems easier to stay quiet than to have conflict.
It's important to recognize, however, that open communication about sex is crucial for healthy relationships. Overcoming these barriers often involves creating a safe and non-judgmental space for dialogue, fostering trust, and gradually building the communication skills necessary to discuss intimate matters comfortably.
Being vulnerable about your preferences in a safe environment can make you feel closer to your partner. This builds trust which allows for more sharing. Eventually, it might even feel fun and exciting to talk about sex with your partner. It can be an intimate game you share.
Benefits of using A sex checklist with your partner
Clear Communication:
Being able to talk about sex is important. The checklist gives you a concrete way to have that conversation. It facilitates open and clear communication between partners about their sexual desires, boundaries, and preferences.
Consent:
Helps establish and reinforce consent by clearly outlining what activities are mutually agreed upon ("yes"), what is off-limits ("no"), and what may be considered or explored under certain conditions ("maybe").
Respect for Boundaries:
Encourages respect for each other's boundaries, ensuring that both partners feel comfortable and safe in their sexual interactions.
Enhanced Trust:
Builds trust within the relationship by fostering transparency and honesty regarding individual comfort levels and desires. The more trust there is, the easier it becomes to be vulnerable and try new things in the bedroom.
Empowerment:
Empowers individuals to express their needs and preferences without fear of judgment, creating a more supportive and understanding environment.
Reduced Misunderstandings:
Having an explicit conversation about sex minimizes the risk of misunderstandings or assumptions related to sexual activities, reducing the potential for discomfort or unintentional breaches of consent. You may think you know your partner, but chances are, you don’t know everything about their wants, desires, and dislikes. People are complicated.
Exploration and Variety:
Allows couples to explore new sexual activities or fantasies by providing a structured framework for discussing and negotiating what is acceptable for both partners. Unless you are a walking Kama Sutra, you don’t have all of the sexual positions and variety of sexual activities memorized. It’s helpful to have a checklist to refer back to. You can use this as a jumping-off point to learn about new things to try in the bedroom or to mix it up with what you are already doing.
Mutual Satisfaction:
Contributes to the overall satisfaction of both partners by ensuring that sexual experiences are aligned with their mutual desires and comfort levels.
Consistency Over Time:
Provides a tool for ongoing communication, allowing couples to revisit and update their preferences as their relationship evolves, ensuring that both partners are on the same page.
Conflict Resolution:
Offers a constructive way to address disagreements or differences in sexual preferences, fostering compromise and understanding.
I know it can be awkward to talk about sex, especially if things are not going well with your partner. Maybe you are like a lot of other couples who once really enjoyed sex but are finding it a bit meh now. You can love someone, be attracted to someone, and still not enjoy the sex. There can be other reasons that women have low sexual desire that may need to be addressed.
Like everything else, having a good sex life takes work. Having sex with the same person year after year might mean you get better and better at it. After all, with experience, you learn each other’s turn-ons and what feels good to your partner. But sometimes, it means sex becomes routine, predictable, and boring. If this is true for you, it might be time to contact one of our Houston Couples therapists and marriage counselors.
Ready to get help communicating with your partner? Our marriage therapists and couples counselors can help.
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In addition to Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you’re ready to get started, please contact Wilson Counseling today. You deserve a life filled with fulfillment and satisfaction. Call us today at 713-565-0922.
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