Your thoughts will often determine your feelings
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that you probably don’t appreciate all the blessings in your life. Or is that just me? I get upset at small things, lose track of what matters, and have trouble being thankful even when my life is full of goodness. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a fan of pretending everything is peachy when it isn’t. Toxic positivity is, well, toxic. But as a Houston anxiety therapist, I also know that our feelings often follow our thoughts. If we think we don’t have enough, we will feel a lack. If we express gratitude for the good things, we are likely going to feel content.
It’s good to acknowledge and not deny our feelings. Feeling sad, angry, anxious — those are all legitimate feelings. But I also know that we can often manage the intensity of hard feelings by learning to be more grateful and by putting things in their proper perspective. How can you keep things in perspective and learn to appreciate your life more?
Life is precious because it is finite.
I have written about this before in this blog post about appreciating life more by contemplating death. I know it sounds morbid, but it works! Acknowledging the brevity of life can often help. I may be annoyed at my spouse because he left his dirty clothes on the floor (and I am), but when I think about the fact that we have so little time together in the big scheme of things, I can often overlook the small stuff. Even beyond that, I hug him a little tighter, let my kisses linger a little longer, and just generally feel more grateful to have him in my life.
Considering the brevity of your life will help you appreciate it more
This is not a foolproof technique, but trust me, thinking about the brevity and preciousness of life on a regular basis will help you be more grateful.
I ran across the Jason Isbell love song “If We Were Vampires” recently. I am semi-obsessed with it and sometimes listen to it on repeat. In the song, Isbell writes
“If we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
And laugh at all the lovers and their plans.
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand.
Maybe time running out is a gift.
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift,
And give you every second I can find,
And hope it isn't me who's left behind”
Every day is a gift and you can never get the time back once it’s over
If we were immortal, maybe nothing would matter that much and everything would seem a joke. Maybe time running out is a gift, Isbell says. I think most of us think of death not as a gift, but as a curse. It is certainly heartbreaking when someone you love dies. But if you can hold the concepts of death and brevity in your consciousness, it can help you live more fully and love more deeply. You are less likely to take people and circumstances for granted. You are more able to live in a space of gratitude. Isbell captures this beautifully in his melancholy lyrics about loving someone who will one day be gone.
“It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in
Or the light coming off of your skin,
The fragile heart you protected for so long
Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong.
It's not your hands searching slow in the dark
Or your nails leaving love's watermark.
It's not the way you talk me off the roof
Your questions like directions to the truth”
In this poetic song, Isbell captures some of the things he loves about his partner, but those things alone are not what makes life and love matter in the here and now:
“It's knowing that this can't go on forever,
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone.
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone,
Or one day you'll be gone”
Ask “What will matter to me on my deathbed?”
One day I will be gone. If you know this life can’t go on forever, how does that affect your choices and your mindset today? How does it affect how you treat people you care about? When you are upset, ask yourself: Will this matter to me on my deathbed? Contemplating that question can help you put things in proper perspective. And it can have the added benefit of helping you to appreciate what you do have in your life.
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