Want a better sex life?
Let’s talk about sex, baby
Maybe because I am a person of a certain age, when I thought about writing this post, Salt-n-Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” popped into my head. I don’t know if the song actually holds up after all these years, but I appreciate the sentiment. We should be talking about sex. As a Houston couples therapist, I like talking to my clients about how to improve their sex lives. If we want to normalize the problems we have and make our sex lives fun and satisfying, so we should talk about sex more often. Like right now…let’s talk about sex! Give this video a view. It may just make you feel some of that early 1990s nostalgia.
Don’t trust The sex scenes you see in the movies
If everything I knew about sex came from television and other media, I would think that everyone was having super hot sex pressed up against the wall of their hallways because they just can’t wait for the bedroom to get their clothes off. Oh, and they have sex all the time with multiple orgasms. And don’t get me started on what the porn industry has done to perpetuate false narratives about what sex should look and feel like, not to mention the absurd standards of what is attractive in women’s and men’s bodies and anatomy.
You do not need genital surgery and a designer vulva to have a great sex life.
Your body will change over time and you need to adapt along with it
Truth be told, if you are in a long-term committed relationship, you will have lots of different sexual experiences with varying degrees of satisfaction. For that matter, if you stay in a relationship long enough, your bodies can change over time and it’s as if you are having sex with a different person. There is no single standard for what is good sex.
Good sex is about what makes you and your partner feel good.
It’s not likely that your sex life is as hot now as it was the first time you got together. If it is, good for you, but otherwise, don’t worry, your sex life can still be pretty great. It may be different, but it can be deeply satisfying and arousing even in a long-term relationship with a partner you have been with for decades.
One of the secrets to having an exciting sex life is to do new things in new places
New experiences are processed differently in our brains from experiences that we have had regularly and habitually. With a new experience, we often feel more activated and are more likely to notice what is going on in detail. What does my partner smell like? What kind of underwear are they wearing? What sounds do they make when they feel pleasure? What is the look on their face when they climax? It’s not that those things don’t matter 10 years into your sex life, but our brains are so used to the details, that we often overlook some of those details. This happens even in happy marriages with satisfying sex lives.
You may need to work on improving your relationship, and then you can work on your sex life
If you have problems in your marriage, there can be additional barriers to having a good sex life. If you are not getting along with your partner, chances are you won’t feel like being physically close, even if you’re in the mood for sex. In cases like that, I recommend you work with a couples therapist to help you feel emotionally close before working on your intimate life. Besides problems in your marriage, hormonal changes, stress, and medical issues can also take their toll on your sex life. I talked about many of the common reasons that women have low sexual desire in this blog post entitled “Reasons women have low sexual desire and how sex therapy can help.”
Sex is about more than physical pleasure, it gets to the core of being valued and loved
A refrain I sometimes hear from one member of a couple goes something like this: “Sex isn’t that important. I’m busy and we have a lot going on. I think we are both just too tired.” That may be true, but often, when I talk to the other partner, I hear a different story. “She never seems to be in the mood. I work really hard to get her interested, but it never seems to go anywhere. I just gave up after a while.”
The problem is not that both partners are perfectly fine not having sex; it is that they are mismatched in their desire, and it leaves at least one partner feeling rejected and dissatisfied. I talked about how this can affect men in particular in a blog post entitled “Men, sex, rejection, and shame.” But really, those feelings of rejection and shame can happen to anyone, regardless of gender and sexual orientation.
I have worked with a lot of individuals who report being unhappy in their sex lives. Often the sex is not happening as frequently as they would like for a variety of reasons. If you are in that boat, it is important not to put the blame on any one person or hold onto shame about your sex life. Instead, focus on making changes and moving forward.
Ways to improve your sex life
Sex can be not only pleasurable but also good for you as we talk about in this post. It’s worth the work you put into it.
Start with physical affection and no expectation of sex.
If you are not having sex regularly, or it has been a while, it can be a good idea to take sex off the table at first and just focus on cuddling and caressing. This can stoke the flame without the pressure and baggage that sometimes comes with sex.
Go slow.
Take your time and don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you give yourself too short of a window to have sex, you may have trouble relaxing and truly feeling the pleasure in your body.
Use lubrication.
This will make everything more comfortable. It’s especially important as you age. Lube is your best friend in the bedroom. Apply liberally and reapply as needed. Some couples like using flavored lube especially if they are going to be having oral sex. Sex will not feel as good if you are not lubricated. Being dry is not a sign that you are not aroused or turned on by your partner, it’s just the reality for most women that they need to apply lubrication even if they are aroused.
Use toys/vibrators.
Toys can help you mix things up and keep things interesting. A vibrator can offer direct stimulation to the clitoris, which the majority of women (70-90%) need to orgasm. You can use a vibrator solo or during partnered sex. Buying new sex toys can also be a good way to make sure you have variety in the bedroom. Make sure you use lubrication with your toys. Keep in mind these toys are not just for women. Some toys are made for penis owners and some, like vibrators, can be used on both penis and vulva owners. You can switch it off using it on yourself and then use the vibrator on your partner.
Videos and erotic fiction can help stimulate your libido.
Be honest about what turns you on. The erotica that turns on my partner may not do it for me. People can sometimes feel embarrassed about what turns them on in videos or their fantasy life, but it is better, to be honest about what you enjoy consuming in videos or fiction, or else it is just a waste of time. Different strokes for different folks :). What turns you on is very individual and I hope you are with someone you can be honest with about what you like.
Do kegel exercises.
This can help improve blood flow, help vaginal lubrication, and enhance the sense of pleasure you get when you orgasm. Kegel exercises are good for men, too, and have been shown to help some men with erectile dysfunction.
Do things that help you relax beforehand
Examples of this are deep breathing, massage, going on a date, taking a hot bath, or drinking a glass of wine.
Talk about sex and preferences.
Don’t be afraid to say “That feels good,” “That is not working for me”, or “I prefer it harder or move over to the right a bit.” Your partner can’t feel what you’re feeling, and they can’t read your mind.
Schedule sex.
If you have a busy life, scheduling sex can be the only way that it is going to happen. Your orgasms are no less fantastic because you put sex on the calendar. It may not seem spontaneous, but it works. Just be careful not to do what my friend did and schedule sex on your shared work calendar instead of your personal calendar. LOL. This actually did happen. My friend has a great sense of humor, so she was able to tell the story and laugh about it, but some people may be mortified if they make this mistake.
Schedule time to do a fact-finding mission about what gives your partner pleasure.
Be honest about what you do and don’t like. The purpose of this time is not necessarily to reach orgasm; it is more about exploration, which can be sexy and fun in its own right.
Fantasize and share fantasies with your partner.
Your brain is your most important sex organ. If your brain is not into it, it can be hard to enjoy sex. Fantasies are just a way to get the brain in the right place, and the body will follow suit. Fantasizing does not mean you don’t love your partner or don’t enjoy sex with them. It’s completely natural and healthy to consider scenarios that turn you on. It’s just the way our brains are wired. Don’t feel like you have to hide your fantasies, either. Talking about sex and fantasies can turn both of you on. And it is a sign of trust to be able to share that with someone.
Try different positions and locations.
Variety makes sex more fun and you can often discover that one position may provide you with more pleasure than another.
Set up your physical space so it feels romantic.
Candles, music, aromatherapy, and the like can help get you in the mood.
Take time to anticipate sex during the day.
This goes back to the fact that thinking about sex can put you in the mood for sex. If you have a busy day, it can be hard to suddenly switch gears and feel in the mood for sex, but if you have been thinking about it and looking forward to it, it sets the stage mentally and physically for a good experience.
Touch yourself (with or without your partner).
Mutual masturbation can be pretty hot, and it can improve trust because you are being vulnerable with your partner. Plus it can help you and your partner learn how and where you like being touched. You can also try solo masturbation so that you can explore freely and learn what pleases you. I recommend doing this in front of a mirror. If you find you are uncomfortable looking at your naked body, it may be a good idea to talk to a Houston body image therapist about any body image issues you experience. The more comfortable you get with your body, the easier it will be to share your body with your partner during sex.
Use gratitude to appreciate your partner which in turn will can enhance closeness.
You and your partner are worth the work! Learn to make Sex fun again with Sex therapy in Houston, TX.
All of this may sound like a lot of work. You don’t have to do everything at once. Start slowly by exploring your body and what gives you pleasure. Talk to your partner. Explain that they are important to you and that your sex life is important. Be honest about what has not worked for you and make a plan to start making changes.
If your communication is lacking, I strongly recommend that you work with a therapist to improve that. You can meet with a couples therapist individually to help you figure out where you are stuck, or you can do marriage counseling. Either way, don’t wait to change your life. Your sex life can be a barometer of other problems (either individual issues or couples issues) that may need to be resolved before you can thrive.
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