I think people often underestimate the pain that some people experience when they are in a sexless marriage. One partner may be thinking, “What is the big deal if we don’t have sex?” Or “My partner needs to get over it.” or “People don’t have sex that often at our age. This is normal when you have been together for a while.” I can tell you from having worked with the partner who still wants to be intimate, that the lack of sex is about way more than sex or climaxing. Your partner may feel rejected, unlovable, undesirable, and even a sense of shame. This is not uncommon. They may also feel hopeless because they still want to be married to you, but feel their most basic needs don’t matter in the relationship. In other words, they feel trapped. Many people try to convince themselves they don’t really need sex, and it’s not that important, but the resentment creeps up anyway.
Navigating a sexless marriage can be lonely, confusing, and painful. You may wonder if something is wrong with you, if your partner no longer loves you, or whether your marriage can survive without physical intimacy. You may feel selfish for wanting intimacy, while at the same time feeling resentful that your partner isn’t trying. Our Houston marriage therapists understand how deeply this issue can affect your emotional well-being and your relationship. The good news is you’re not alone — and you do have options. Whether you’re looking to rebuild intimacy or trying to decide if it’s time to move on, there is hope and support available.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
A sexless marriage — typically defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year — can happen for many reasons. Often, it’s not about a lack of love, but rather about life circumstances or unaddressed emotional needs.
Some common reasons include:
When a marriage becomes sexless, it rarely happens overnight. Most couples can trace it back to a combination of factors — emotional, physical, or situational — that build up over time. Understanding the “why” can help you and your partner approach the issue with compassion instead of blame.
Health Issues
Physical health plays a huge role in sexual connection. Chronic pain, hormonal imbalances, or illnesses like diabetes, thyroid disorders, or cancer can all impact libido. Even medications — including antidepressants and blood pressure prescriptions — can cause sexual side effects that make intimacy feel out of reach. Sometimes, it’s not about a lack of desire for your partner at all, but the body simply not cooperating the way it once did. Talking to your physician about your concerns and lack of sex drive can help you find a solution.
Mental Health Struggles
Depression, anxiety, and trauma often take an invisible toll on desire. When someone feels emotionally exhausted or trapped in their own thoughts, sexual energy can feel like a distant concern. For some, sex begins to feel like one more task on an already overwhelming list. For others, it’s the stress itself that shuts the body down, making it hard to feel safe, present, or connected in intimate moments.
Major Life Transitions
Even positive life changes can strain intimacy. The sleeplessness of new parenthood, the hormonal shifts of menopause, or the grief of losing a loved one can all leave little emotional space for sex. Career transitions, financial worries, or caring for aging parents can also quietly shift priorities. In these seasons, couples often focus on survival — just getting through the day — while intimacy unintentionally falls to the bottom of the list.
Emotional Distance
When partners stop feeling emotionally close, physical closeness often follows. Resentment, unspoken tension, or poor communication can turn small misunderstandings into wide gaps. Over time, avoidance replaces vulnerability. Couples stop reaching for each other — physically and emotionally — and begin to live more like roommates than romantic partners.
Mismatched Sexual Needs
No two people have identical sex drives, and that difference can become painful when it’s not talked about openly. One partner might feel rejected or undesirable; the other may feel pressured or guilty. Without open, nonjudgmental conversations, these differences can harden into silence and shame. You don’t need to have the same desire for sex, but finding a compromise can go a long way to feeling loved by your partner.
Past Trauma
For those who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, intimacy can carry layers of fear or discomfort that resurface in marriage — even years later. These responses are not a reflection of love or attraction, but a body remembering what once felt unsafe. Healing from trauma takes time, understanding, and often the guidance of a trained Houston trauma therapist.
Understanding the "why" behind a sexless marriage is key to deciding what steps you can take next.
How to Cope and Manage in a Sexless Marriage
If you are in a sexless marriage, there are ways to cope and potentially improve the connection between you and your partner. Here’s where to start:
1. Have Honest Conversations
Many couples struggle with talking openly about their sexual relationship. It can feel vulnerable, awkward, or even scary. However, honest communication is crucial. Try saying something like:
"I've been feeling disconnected from you, and I miss our closeness. Can we talk about it together?"
Choose a time when you are both calm and not distracted. Focus on sharing your feelings rather than blaming your partner.
2. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy
Often, sex fades when emotional closeness fades. Before rushing to fix the physical part, work on rebuilding your emotional connection. Spend quality time together, express appreciation, reminisce about shared happy memories, and be curious about each other's inner worlds again.
Small efforts, like a hug when you get home, saying "I love you," or simply asking, "How was your day?" can begin to reestablish a foundation of emotional intimacy.
You may be hesitant to be close to your partner if there has been a lot of conflict. This is completely understandable. They may not feel emotionally safe. A Texas couples counselor can help you build up to the place where you feel more comfortable trusting each other.
3. Work with a Marriage Counselor
Sometimes, patterns of disconnection are too painful or complicated to untangle alone. A trained couples counselor can help you and your partner explore the root causes of your distance and rebuild your relationship — emotionally and physically.
At Wilson Counseling, we offer a supportive space where couples can talk openly about intimacy issues without judgment and get tools to reconnect.
4. Address Individual Barriers
If health problems, mental health struggles, or past trauma are affecting intimacy, it’s important to seek help individually as well. Taking care of your own emotional and physical health can make a big difference in your ability to connect with your partner.
5. Manage Your Expectations
It’s important to be realistic. Not every marriage will return to the early passion-filled days, and that's okay. You are in a more mature relationship, and sex may be less frequent, but it doesn’t have to stop. It can still be fun, sexy, and life-giving to have intimacy with your partner. Emotional connection, trust, and mutual support can sometimes be even more fulfilling than the fire you initially had in your relationship. Know what you truly need in your relationship to feel loved and satisfied. Sex can be one way to demonstrate that love.
Should You Stay or Leave a Sexless Marriage?
Making the decision to stay or leave a sexless marriage is incredibly personal — and it’s rarely black and white.
Here are some important questions to consider:
Are both partners willing to work on the marriage?
If both people are open to change and effort, there’s a strong chance for improvement.
Is the lack of sex part of a larger problem?
If emotional disconnection, contempt, or abuse is present, it may indicate deeper, more serious issues.
Is the relationship otherwise fulfilling?
Some couples find happiness in companionship, shared goals, and emotional intimacy even if sex is rare.
Is staying making you lose yourself?
If your needs are continually unmet and you’re losing your sense of self-worth, it might be time to re-evaluate.
If you feel stuck or hopeless despite your efforts, counseling can also help you explore your options, process grief, and decide what’s healthiest for you moving forward.
Remember: Choosing to leave doesn’t mean you failed. Sometimes it’s the bravest, healthiest choice you can make for both yourself and your partner.
You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone
At Wilson Counseling, we believe relationships should nourish and uplift you. Whether you're looking to reconnect with your partner or figure out your next steps, we’re here to walk alongside you.
Our experienced marriage therapists can help you:
Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy
Understand the root causes of distance
Communicate openly and effectively
Make empowered decisions about your future
You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, valued, and loved.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you're struggling in a sexless marriage, reach out to us today and take the first step toward hope and healing.