How to Fight Right: Healthy Communication for Stronger Relationships
You and your partner are going to fight. You might have some knock-down, drag-out fights or maybe you are more of the silent avoidant type of fighter. Either way, HOW you handle the conflict in your relationship will either lead to a closer connection or it will lead to resentment, bitterness, and in some cases, divorce. It can be a vicious cycle of mistrust and hurt once it starts. This is a tough path to recover from on your own.
Our Houston marriage therapists believe that disagreements don't have to be destructive. In fact, with the right tools and mindset, conflict can become an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and emotional connection. Does this sound impossible? Well, it’s not. We have seen couples turn things around in their conflict and pain and become closer than ever before. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely doable with the right counseling tool.
In this post, we explore key principles of healthy communication based on research and insights, including techniques drawn from the highly recommended book Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Drs. Julie and John Gottman. Whether you're navigating challenges in marriage, family, or friendships, learning how to "fight right" can transform your relationships.
I recommend that you view the techniques in the videos below. If they are helpful, our Texas couples counselors can work with you individually or as a couple to help implement these healthy ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. You may have tried to do this on your own, but feel stuck having the same fights over and over. Our therapists are trained to help you get through the stuck places and get back to loving each other.
Enjoy the videos with all the gesticulation :). Can you tell we are really passionate about helping couples?!
Tips To Fight Right:
1. Use “I” Statements to Express Feelings
One of the most effective ways to avoid blame and defensiveness during a disagreement is to use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” The “you” language can make your partner feel they have to defend themselves, whereas “I” statements are more about you and your feelings. This simple shift in language reduces defensiveness and opens the door to honest dialogue. Our Houston marriage therapists often coach couples to identify and communicate their emotions clearly, without criticism.
2. Ask for Your Positive Needs
A key insight from Fight Right is the importance of expressing what you do need, not just what you don’t want. For example, instead of saying, “Stop ignoring me,” say, “I need some one-on-one time with you tonight.” When you ask for your positive needs, you're giving your partner a clear roadmap to connection. Your partner can’t read your mind. They don’t know what you want unless you express it clearly. Give them the chance to meet your needs. If they don’t respond, it’s okay to ask again and check in to make sure they know what you want.
3. Avoid Talking Over One Another
In moments of high emotion, it's tempting to interrupt or talk over the other person to make your point. But doing so often escalates the conflict. If you are both talking at the same time, no one is listening to the other person. This type of communication is frustrating and can escalate into a full-on, ugly fight. Respectful communication means listening with the intent to understand—not just to reply or make your point. Our Houston marriage therapists teach clients how to slow down conversations and give each other space to speak without interruption. Talk one at a time.
4. Practice Compromise
Compromise is not about losing or giving in—it's about finding a middle ground where both partners feel heard and respected. Conflict is not a zero-sum game. You don’t win if your partner feels they are losing out. You can both feel heard, seen, understood, and loved.
Conflict often involves competing needs, and the goal is not to win, but to resolve. Healthy relationships are built on flexibility, empathy, and collaboration. You are on the same team. If you're feeling stuck in the vicious cycle of conflict, a Houston couples therapist can help you develop creative solutions that honor both parties’ values. You can both walk away feeling like you matter to your partner, even if you don’t agree on everything.
5. Start with a Soft Start-Up
A "soft start-up" means beginning the conversation gently, without criticism or blame. According to the Gottman Institute, the way a conversation starts determines how it will end 96% of the time. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “I feel anxious when I’m waiting, and I’d love it if we could stick to our plan.” Soft start-ups create safety and reduce emotional reactivity. If you come in with guns blazing, aiming to tell your partner how bad they are, there is bound to be blood spilled (metaphorically speaking). This is not the wild west. Keep your guns in their holster and come to the conversation with a soft touch. If you feel too angry to have a soft start up, it might be time for a time-out. Grown-ups need time-outs too!
6. Know When to Take a Time Out
When emotions run too high, it's often best to take a break before continuing the conversation. If you are flooded with emotions, your brain will have a hard time being rational and having a productive conversation. This is not a sign of weakness; it’s just how brains work.
Time-outs aren't about avoiding the issue—they’re about creating space to regulate emotions. Let your partner know that you need a pause and agree on a time to return to the conversation. If you don’t agree on a time to talk again, you will keep avoiding the issue, and your partner may feel worried you will never resolve your problems or may even feel rejected. Our Houston marriage therapists help couples recognize when a time out is needed and how to reconnect afterward in a healthy, constructive way.
A Book Worth Reading: Fight Right
If you're looking for deeper guidance on managing conflict in relationships, Fight Right is a must-read. This book combines decades of research with practical tools and real-world examples to help couples move from conflict to connection. It’s a valuable resource for any couple who wants to grow stronger through their challenges, not despite them. Our Texas couples therapist may use this book as homework in addition to couples counseling to help you learn some of these important communication skills. As helpful as this book is, it may not be enough on its own if you and your partner are stuck in conflict.
Let Wilson Counseling Help
At Wilson Counseling in Texas, we specialize in helping individuals, couples, and families improve communication, manage conflict, and build healthier relationships. Our licensed therapists offer evidence-based support tailored to your unique needs.
If you're struggling with recurring arguments or communication breakdowns, we’re here to help. Contact us today to schedule an appointment and take the first step toward learning how to "fight right."