How Scheduling Sex Can Help Your Sex Life
when couples are having regular, enjoyable sex, they almost always get along better
I know you are too busy and tired to think about sex. But I also know that when couples are having regular, enjoyable sex, they almost always get along better and feel more connected. Does getting along better make you have better sex, or does having better sex make you get along better? Is the sex pulling the relationship cart or vice versa? I can’t say for sure, but I know there is a major correlation. I talk about sex not because it’s a fun, spicy topic - I talk about it because I genuinely believe that this is one area of relationships that is not considered enough in long-term relationships, and that is to the great detriment of the couple. You can obviously stay in a marriage where the sex is unfulfilling or non-existent, but I guarantee you won’t feel as happy or as close.
When life gets busy, it’s often our relationships—and intimacy—that get pushed to the back burner. Between work, parenting, errands, and endless responsibilities, you might find yourself going weeks or even months without connecting physically with your partner. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle to maintain a satisfying sex life amid the demands of daily life. You can read our post about what to do if you are in a sexless marriage. This is actually more common than you might think.
The answer to your problems might be less spontaneity
But what if the answer isn’t more spontaneity, but less? What if putting sex on the calendar could actually bring more passion, closeness, and fun back into your relationship?
Let’s talk about why scheduling sex is not only normal but one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship. Don’t poo-poo this idea before you’ve finished the article. Keep in mind, too, that scheduling a date is not really that different from scheduling sex. You are being intentional about being together. If you are not spontaneously having regular sex, putting it on the calendar and anticipating it can be pretty hot. You have time to feel your best, groom yourself, and fantasize about what will happen later.
Why you stop having sex
Life is hectic. Most couples don’t choose to stop having sex—it just sort of fades into the background. Exhaustion, mismatched levels of desire, mental health struggles, parenting, and even resentment or unresolved conflict can all interfere with desire. Over time, this distance can grow, leading to feelings of loneliness, frustration, or rejection.
You might be wondering:
Does this mean something is wrong with our relationship?
Is it normal to go this long without intimacy?
The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But if both partners are missing intimacy and feel disconnected, it’s worth exploring ways to rebuild physical closeness—and scheduling sex can be one of the most effective tools.
The Myth of Spontaneity
We’re constantly fed the idea that good sex should be spontaneous. That if you have to plan it, something must be wrong. But here’s the truth: spontaneity is a myth—especially in long-term relationships.
Think about it. You plan your workouts, your vacations, your work meetings, and your kids’ activities. So why should sex be the one thing that’s expected to just magically happen?
When we treat sex like something that should only happen in a burst of passion, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Real life doesn’t always leave room for those spontaneous moments. And the longer you go without them, the harder it can feel to get started again. Are you in a sexless rut? Our Houston marriage counselors can help you build your closeness and intimacy back slowly over a period of 6 weeks or so. This schedule of allows you to ease into being physical again, without the fear of having to perform or going straight into intercourse. It’s much less awkward that way.
Scheduling Sex can completely change your relationship
It might feel awkward at first, but making time for sex—on purpose—can completely change your relationship. Here’s how:
1. It Builds Anticipation
When you know sex is on the schedule, you both have something to look forward to. It creates space for flirtation, daydreaming, and connection in the days leading up to it. The planning and expectation can be part of the fun.
2. It Prioritizes Intimacy
You’re sending a clear message: This matters. Carving out time tells your partner, “You’re important to me,” even when life is overwhelming.
3. It Reduces Pressure
Oddly enough, having sex on the calendar can actually take away some of the pressure. You’re both expecting it, so there’s less second-guessing, mixed signals, or fear of rejection.
4. It Opens Communication
Scheduling sex encourages you to talk more openly about what you want, what feels good, and how you’re feeling. That can improve not just your sex life, but your overall connection. It is so important to be able to talk about what feels good and what you want in the bedroom. If this is a struggle, one of our Houston sex and couples therapists can work with you.
5. It Helps Reignite Desire
If you’ve been feeling disconnected or unsure of how to “get back into it,” scheduling gives you a gentle way to reconnect. Even if desire isn’t automatic at first, it can grow through intentional connection. Sometimes you may need some help to get aroused to ignite desire. For more ideas on how to do that, check out this post about how you can get the spark back in your relationship. Or how you can use fantasizing to help your sex life.
Common Misconceptions About Scheduled Sex
“It’s not sexy if it’s scheduled.”
Actually, many couples find that it becomes sexy when they have time to get in the right headspace. Anticipation can fuel arousal. And planning allows you to create a more relaxed, romantic atmosphere.
“It’s only for couples with problems.”
Not true! Even couples with strong sexual connections use scheduling as a tool to keep things vibrant and consistent. It’s a proactive, not reactive, approach.
“What if we’re not in the mood when the time comes?”
That’s okay. You can always decide together to cuddle, talk, or reschedule. But more often than not, once you’ve created the space, the desire follows.
Tips for Scheduling Sex That Actually Works
If you're ready to give it a try, here are a few things that can make the experience feel natural and fun:
Start with a Conversation
Let your partner know this isn’t about “fixing” something, but about reconnecting. You might say, “I miss being close to you. What if we picked one or two times a week to just focus on each other?”
Choose the Right Time
Pick a time when you’re both usually relaxed and not rushed—maybe after the kids go to bed, on Sunday mornings, or before a date night. I don’t know about you, but after date nights, I am often just too tired.
Make It Fun
Light candles, put on music, take a shower together—whatever feels good to you. This is about enjoying each other, not checking something off a to-do list. If you think about it as a chore, you will enjoy it less.
Stay Flexible
If one of you isn’t feeling up to it, give yourselves grace. Intimacy can take many forms—physical affection, emotional sharing, touch, or quiet connection.
Celebrate the Effort
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. Even if things don’t go as planned, acknowledge the effort you’re both making to prioritize your relationship.
When to Consider Counseling
If sex feels like a source of conflict, shame, or resentment—or if you’re struggling to communicate about intimacy—counseling can help. Sex may also be triggering or a source of trauma. I recommend you don’t try to deal with this on your own. Doing your own trauma work may be a good start to allow you to feel relaxed when you are with your partner.
At Wilson Counseling in Houston, Texas, we work with couples every day who are navigating mismatched libidos, emotional disconnection, and long dry spells. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether you’re just starting the conversation or have been stuck for a long time, couples therapy can help you build the emotional safety and communication skills you need to reconnect.
Sometimes, the issue isn’t sex itself—it’s unspoken hurt, unmet needs, or emotional distance. Talking to a therapist can help uncover what’s really going on and guide you back toward closeness.
Final Thoughts: Scheduling Sex Is a Sign of Care, Not Crisis
Don’t let anyone tell you that planning sex is boring or unromantic. The truth is, intentional intimacy is one of the most loving things you can do for your relationship.
It’s not about rigid routines or forced passion. It’s about creating space to choose each other again and again, even when life is messy and busy. And for many couples, that simple shift—putting connection on the calendar—makes all the difference. Scheduling is SEXY.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you’re ready to bring more intimacy into your relationship, we’re here to help. Reach out to Wilson Counseling in Houston, TX today to schedule a couples therapy session and start building the relationship—and sex life—you both deserve.